1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,040 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:05,960 and adult humour from the start 3 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:07,840 MUFFLED SPLAT 4 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:09,800 Ow! OK, yeah. 5 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,560 I'm stuck. 6 00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:14,120 Sorry. Yeah, no, don't worry, it's me... It's my fault. 7 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:17,760 Yeah, I shouldn't have been, you know... 8 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:19,120 Do you know when dinner is? 9 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:21,640 I don't know, I'm waiting for Mum and Dad to get back. 10 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:24,640 You don't think you could maybe pop down to the Co-op yourself? 11 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:27,240 Thing is, I'm more of a stay-at-home daughter. 12 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:28,880 Yeah, no. 13 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:30,760 I'm not hungry. 14 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:32,080 I'll be fine. 15 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:33,720 DOORBELL RINGS 16 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:35,080 Who's that? 17 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:40,200 Do you know how long it will be until someone...can get me off here? 18 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:43,880 Lucia Morelli? 19 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,440 Yeah, I think. Yeah. 20 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:47,960 Why? 21 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,640 Can we come in? 22 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,040 Yeah, sure. 23 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:55,920 It's your parents, Lucia, 24 00:00:55,920 --> 00:01:00,640 they were involved in a car accident this evening 25 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,560 and have, unfortunately... 26 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:06,160 ..passed on. 27 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:10,640 Well, do you know if they're all right, or...? 28 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:16,560 Well, they are dead, 29 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,240 but, yeah. 30 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:21,760 Look, I know this is extremely hard to take in right now 31 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:26,120 so you let us if there's anyone we can call. 32 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:31,080 Well, I would say Mum and Dad usually... 33 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,600 Mm-hm. 34 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,200 ..but... Yeah. 35 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:40,720 There was one thing salvageable from the crash. 36 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,960 Do you think it's too soon to eat this? 37 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:19,840 Chi! 38 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:22,680 Chi! 39 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:26,240 Did my sister even want her ashes spread in the sea? 40 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,960 Well, you know it's not your sister's ashes in there, don't you? 41 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,400 They harvest bits and bobs pieces of body parts all the time. 42 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,160 Stop it, Dave! Sorry for your loss. Thank you. 43 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:36,240 Right, where are the urns? 44 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:37,960 Why is there only one? 45 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,760 I blended them together cos it's easier to carry. 46 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,640 You blended them? 47 00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,360 What was in there? 48 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,040 Look, can you just stop it? 49 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,720 Right, just promise me that, when I'm dead, you just burn me 50 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,760 on the spot before the elites get to me. 51 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,160 Can we just get on with this, please, I'm freezing. 52 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,240 I've already done it. 53 00:02:58,240 --> 00:02:59,800 They look so peaceful. 54 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:06,120 There's a bit more... No, no. Right, I'm going. 55 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,320 Do you know they actually weren't in those urns? 56 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,960 No, just don't do that. Who was, then? 57 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,000 You're asking the wrong questions, Chi. Oh. 58 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,360 All I'm saying is, you haven't 59 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,760 necessarily seen the last of your parents' faces. 60 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,000 What do you mean? 61 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,440 Well, their parts will be reused. 62 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:24,080 Well, that's quite nice in a way. Yeah. It's like recycling. 63 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:25,960 A little bit sustainable, innit? Yeah. Yeah. 64 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,640 Can I just read the will now? Yes, do, please. 65 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:32,240 "By the time anyone hears this, hopefully I'll be dead." Correct. 66 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,760 "To my husband, Tony, if you're listening to this, 67 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:38,720 "then congrats, you lasted longer than I expected." Incorrect. 68 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,720 They went at the same time. Same time. 69 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,920 "Assuming he is dead too, the house goes to my daughter Lucia... 70 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,880 For fuck sake. .."on the condition 71 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,320 "that she completes the list of things I've written down." 72 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,800 Whoa, whoa, whoa. How come she has 73 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,720 to do the things that you've written down? 74 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,120 Do you understand what wills are? 75 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:55,560 I'm reading this... These are her mother's words. 76 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,160 Were you reading in my mum's voice? 77 00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:59,640 Cos she didn't sound like that. No, she didn't. 78 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,120 She had a much higher voice than that. Yeah. Didn't she? 79 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:03,360 I'm not... 80 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,880 You did a better impression of her than he just did. 81 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:09,800 No offence. No, what's...what's on the list, please? 82 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,800 Some basic stuff. Stuff like, 83 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,000 "learn how to tell the time, get one GCSE." 84 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,760 There's also a note saying 85 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:19,240 "I know you're probably mid-forties so this doesn't apply to you, 86 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,640 "but I worried you wouldn't make anything of your life." 87 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:23,320 Is that it? Is... I mean. 88 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,920 Uh, also, "the Nutri-Bullet goes to my brother-in-law Dave 89 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:29,160 "and if Karen's alive, she can have the rug." 90 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,840 Come to papa. 91 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:33,640 I...I bought her that rug! 92 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,680 OK. 93 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,760 It's that. It's a nice rug. 94 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:40,240 So is everything here up for grabs, then? 95 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,920 Like, can I have that plant? 96 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,240 No. That's my plant. 97 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,120 Can he have that plant? No. 98 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,680 I do want to ask, your honour, but... 99 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:48,800 You don't have to call me that. ..did I get anything? 100 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,000 Why would you get anything? Why would you...? 101 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,440 Why would he get anything, Dave? 102 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,480 No, you're not my son. 103 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,480 You're not a part of my family, 104 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,520 I mean, you're barely part of my family. Oh. 105 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:01,880 I just wanted a little something. 106 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,320 All right. Well, I'll let you know when I'm home safe. 107 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,280 I just, before I go, just want to say what... 108 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:15,280 ..like, speaking from my heart, it will be better for all of us 109 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:18,400 if I just move in with you, don't you think? 110 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,520 Yeah. No, absolutely not. No. 111 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,480 No, you're 21 years old. That's ridiculous. 112 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:23,600 Well, in cat years, yeah. 113 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:25,560 Hey, hey, hey, cat years, that's 114 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:29,160 one year to every seven years 115 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,440 which would make you...462. 116 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,120 Oh, well she's well too old to live alone. 117 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,360 That's my childhood home, Dave. 118 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,280 Yeah, I get it, who wouldn't want to live in their childhood home? 119 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:43,600 Exactly. No. no, I don't want to live in it, I want to sell it. 120 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:46,800 No, I can't do anything with it cos it's been lived in 121 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,440 by, you know, all due respect, 122 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:49,920 a complete fucking idiot. 123 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,400 Because we want to... 124 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,960 SHE SIGHS 125 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,160 Yeah. 126 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:57,800 I'm just letting you know I'm home safe. So... 127 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,200 Uh, just drive, Dave. Drive. 128 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,840 Auntie Karen. 129 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,480 Aunt...Auntie Karen. 130 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:19,560 THUD! 131 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,160 MUSIC: Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac 132 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,160 133 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,960 134 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:39,680 calling out your name? 135 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,920 and I don't know what to say 136 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,080 137 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:47,720 138 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:52,400 Lucas, you actually like Chi, don't you? 139 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,680 Yeah, she's fab. Yeah. 140 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:58,040 Can you spy on her for me? 141 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:01,280 Yeah, sure, right. No, like, now. 142 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:05,080 Go there now and just make sure she doesn't do anything weird. 143 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,480 Yeah, all right, Mum. Karen. 144 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,600 It's that way. Sorry, yeah. 145 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,040 Sorry, Karen. Idiot. 146 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,640 VACUUM CLEANER HUMS 147 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,040 Hey. Oh, sorry you losed your parents. 148 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,360 This is a joke. When are you going to stock the shelves again? 149 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,440 I know, have some respect she's grieving. 150 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:43,840 But when are you going to fill the 151 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:45,720 shelves again just because we're starving? 152 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,000 What's that your throwing? Just a cheese ball. 153 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,960 Yeah. It went out of date in 2001. 154 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,280 Oh. No, don't eat it. 155 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:54,520 It doesn't smell like cheese. No, no, no, wait, wait. 156 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:55,720 She'll be back. 157 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,680 SHE EXHALES SHARPLY 158 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,160 "How to steal dead sister's house." 159 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,280 Oh, what you looking at? Um... 160 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:13,680 ..porn. 161 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,360 OK, um, after you've finished, 162 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,960 can I use the computer? 163 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,200 I need to upload my Clubcard points. 164 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,200 That's fine, yeah. 165 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,920 What were you watching? 166 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,760 It's none of my business. OK, see you later. 167 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,920 Yeah. That's better. 168 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:40,560 You still haven't started it, then? 169 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:41,920 Oh, hey, guys. 170 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,360 Why does Dad have a mullet? 171 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,280 Sorry. Is that really the only weird thing about this to you? 172 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,040 You want to get off your arse and stop being bone idle. 173 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,720 You can't be a stay-at-home-daughter forever, you... 174 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,120 ..you've got to go out and live life. 175 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,200 You look like Billy Ray Cyrus, Dad. 176 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,400 Do I? No, you don't. Well, she said. 177 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,560 Yeah, but she's lying. And that was unprompted. 178 00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,560 Look, read a book, hmm? 179 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:05,960 Try new things. 180 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,040 Get out of bloody Kent. 181 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,200 Learn to drive. Yeah, learn to drive. 182 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,320 Learn to drive? 183 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:16,760 But isn't that a bit awkward because you just died in a car crash? 184 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:20,280 Well, I didn't pay £40 for you to have a provisional license 185 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,800 for no reason, did I? 186 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,240 Sh! I'm watching EastEnders! 187 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,240 God, is Nan here, too? I didn't see her. 188 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,480 Yeah, she's here. Always. 189 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,320 PARENTS: Learn to drive. 190 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:35,160 Learn to drive. 191 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,040 Learn to drive. 192 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,320 Ooh, Tony. 193 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:40,240 Learn to drive. 194 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,000 Learn to drive. I... 195 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,320 I can see you guys, by the way. 196 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,080 It's actually quite a small table. Yes, there's not enough... 197 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,640 Just...learn to drive. ..to drive. 198 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,200 Learn to drive. 199 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:52,840 Thanks for the house, by the way. 200 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,480 Learn to drive. 201 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:59,880 And pay particular attention to braking distances. 202 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:03,680 MUSIC: Take On Me by A-ha 203 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,680 Excuse me, do you know if you're a driving instructor? 204 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,440 Do you know how to drive? 205 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,720 Is that a learner driver? It is, innit? 206 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,360 TYRES SCREECH 207 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,560 Oh, dear, oh, dear. 208 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,120 What's she doing? Are you all right? Nice one. Yeah. 209 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,760 You OK? Oh, perfect. Hold on. 210 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,520 Oh, great. 211 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,640 So what happens now? 212 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:39,560 Well, I'm... 213 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,440 I'm currently in the middle of a lesson. 214 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:44,520 It was... I think it was just right here in the road 215 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,080 where my mum and dad died in a car crash. 216 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,360 Oh. They got completely smashed. 217 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:50,800 And I was just sat at home 218 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:54,320 not knowing I was about to become an orphan like Annie. 219 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,920 From Annie. 220 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,280 I'm sorry about that. Thank you. 221 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,560 Um. I... I'm a bit confused. 222 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:03,040 Do you...do you have a booking? 223 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,920 Oh, no, it's fine, I can just wait. 224 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,800 Don't worry. You carry on. Pretend I'm not here. 225 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,000 You don't mind, do you? 226 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,800 Um, well, no. No, he doesn't mind. 227 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,480 So, where are we going? 228 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,000 Excuse me, do you not think... 229 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,520 Right around the roundabout and then go back up... 230 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,680 ..maybe put on... ..up the hill. ..Heart Radio? 231 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:28,120 In third. Just cos it's Amanda Holden on today. 232 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,680 Chi. Where are you, Chi? 233 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:40,640 Oh, brilliant. Chi? 234 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,920 I'm bored. 235 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,720 No, no, don't do that. 236 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,360 Don't touch anything. 237 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,880 SHE SLURPS 238 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,280 And well done on going through the drive-through, too. 239 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,880 I've never asked that of someone on a second lesson before. 240 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,040 Yeah, thanks for that. Yeah, really appreciate. 241 00:11:57,040 --> 00:12:02,960 And next week we will focus on T-junctions, how exciting! 242 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,520 And, oh, don't forget the six-point check. 243 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:06,760 I know that one. 244 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,960 There's Anne Boleyn, Katherine Seymour and... 245 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,640 No, no, no, it's something... Well done, by the way. Well done. 246 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,160 Yeah, very well done, very well done. Great, incredible. 247 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,720 Difficult circumstances. Yeah. 248 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:19,320 Honestly, I think he's ready for his test. 249 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:22,880 He gave me goose bumps with how great he was at driving. 250 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:26,480 Anyway, do you want to get in the back, just cos it's my turn now? 251 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,920 Uh, well, no, you... 252 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:32,000 ..you'll need to get in the front, but... OK. 253 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,760 You have to sign up with one of my forms first. 254 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,120 Oh, that's fine. I should have some... That's fine, yeah. 255 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,360 ..in here, actually, with a little bit of luck. I've got a pen. 256 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,760 I can't seem to find any of my forms here. 257 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,560 I must have left them at home. 258 00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:48,880 Oh, my wife's going to kill me. 259 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:53,560 Anyway, why don't we just nip round yours and get the rest of the forms? 260 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:56,080 Yeah. No, that...that would be incredibly unprofessional, 261 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:57,400 there's absolutely... 262 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,520 Yeah... 263 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,120 So what first attracted you to Gary, then, Hel? 264 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,280 This... Sorry. 265 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,520 Tight knees and... Who are you? 266 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,280 DOORBELL RINGS Oh, uh... I'll get that. 267 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:12,480 I didn't catch your name. She's my step cousin. 268 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,560 She just wants to hang out, that's all. 269 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,680 Cousin? Gary! Who is this girl? 270 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,920 You all right? Hey. So why here? 271 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:26,800 I just thought we could hang out at my new driving instructor's house. 272 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,040 Oh, yeah, great, of course. 273 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,240 Yeah, it's a nice letterbox, isn't it? Mm. 274 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:34,960 I love the design and the way you can, like, put letters through it. 275 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,800 Yeah. Yeah. 276 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:40,760 Oh, would you say this colour's white or off-white? Yeah. 277 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,040 Yeah, no, no, no. 278 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,240 Oh by the way, how's the house doing? 279 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,040 It is, like, still there, right? 280 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,160 What, the one I won? Yeah. 281 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,720 I think so, yeah. 282 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,400 So you haven't, like, spoke to any estate agent 283 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:56,600 because it's in a desirable area or, you know, put it on the market? 284 00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,920 No, it's not on the market. 285 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,440 Oh. Karen's going to be pleased. 286 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,960 Oh, God. I really love her. 287 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,480 Yeah, she's great. 288 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,680 Who is she?! How is this spending quality time together? 289 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,560 I don't know any more than you do. 290 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,960 You can't go picking up young girls off the street, Gary. 291 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,800 I didn't pick her up! Is this about Alison? 292 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:18,760 She picked me up! We need to talk... What do you mean, she picked you up? 293 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,720 Be honest with me, Gary. 294 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,040 Are you a paedophile? No! 295 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,800 Look, I'm your wife...husband, Helen. 296 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,600 This is Lucas. Oh, hello, nice to meet you. 297 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,240 Such a lovely family and... 298 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,800 Yes, shall I take my shoes off? 299 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,720 Yes! Nah, don't worry about it. Right. 300 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:41,120 So what you two doing here, then? 301 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:44,360 Um, we've... 302 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:45,960 Well, we live here. 303 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,760 It's our....it's our house. 304 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,200 Oh, cool. 305 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,480 The thing is, Hel, Gary has come 306 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:56,560 into my life at almost the exact perfect time, 307 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,880 you know, and, um, I feel like my 308 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:03,280 parents almost live on through you. 309 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:08,280 Oh. So sorry again for your loss again. 310 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:09,440 Thank you. 311 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,520 It almost feels like fate to me. 312 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:14,640 I don't know if it feels like that for you. Ooh! Who's this, then? 313 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,520 She's absolutely stunning and sexy. 314 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,920 Oh. Thank you. 315 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,640 That's...that's our daughter. Alison. 316 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:23,880 She's, um... 317 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:28,920 ..currently at military camp in Gibraltar. 318 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:32,080 Gary, stop right now. 319 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,720 I can't, I just miss her so much. Gary! 320 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:38,000 Sorry. 321 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,720 Get it together, Gary, you're embarrassing yourself. 322 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,120 You're such a prick. 323 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,680 Hey, can I play, please? 324 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,240 It's not my ball, ask Alison. 325 00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,160 Hey, can I play? 326 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,720 No. You look like Anne Frank. 327 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,000 Alison. 328 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,800 Phillip Schofield. A complete Lizard. 329 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,120 PHONE BEEPS Ooh! It's ready 330 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:26,360 Yeah, just... I can't stop thinking about all the different ways 331 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,440 she could destroy that house. 332 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:32,040 Yeah, I know she seems harmless, like, you know, there's 333 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,960 nothing's going behind the eyes, but I bet you she's plotting. 334 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:38,480 What does it say? It's just the story of my life, isn't it? 335 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:40,840 You know, didn't get the house when Mum and Dad died 336 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,280 and now my sister's dead, still haven't got the house. 337 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:44,680 What did I get? I got a rug. 338 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,720 Does it say anything? I got a... I got a rug, Dave. I got a rug. 339 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:54,000 Hmm. Maybe I could wee on it, 340 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,680 It's the 2020s. 341 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:04,640 Right, what exactly is that supposed to mean? 342 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,080 Pronouns. 343 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:07,560 "Pronouns"? 344 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,720 He, she, they, him. 345 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,320 I know what pronouns are, Dave. 346 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:14,080 That. Go for it, go for it. 347 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:15,520 Knock yourself out. Go on. 348 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,480 Save you getting up in the night, won't it? Go on, off you go. 349 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,400 Driving's great, innit? It's so much fun. Oh. 350 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,040 Oh, God, I'm so stressed. 351 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,560 Gear two. 352 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:31,720 Why, though? We're having the best time, you know. 353 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,800 Just...I'm so lonely. Gear three. ..at home. 354 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,440 I miss Alison being there. 355 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,080 Well, have you ever thought about just forgetting about her? 356 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:44,120 Yeah? I don't know. I just think you drive 357 00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:47,440 a Ford Kia Hatchback Hyundai 2006. 358 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:50,080 You don't have to put up with any shit from a woman. 359 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,040 Oh, I don't know, I'm not sure. 360 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:55,440 So you tell your wife that no-one tells Gary what to do. 361 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,680 What are you doing? That she has... PHONE RINGS 362 00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,240 No, no! ..absolutely no rights. 363 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,000 No, look... No? 364 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,440 No, I... Gary? 365 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,520 Oh. Hello, love. How's your...? 366 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,160 What do you want? 367 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,120 Um... You're phoning her to tell her 368 00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,360 that you're sick of the way she talks to you. Gary? 369 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,760 Oh, yeah, I'm phoning you to tell you that I've had 370 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,560 enough of the way you talk to me. What? 371 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,320 And I'm not happy Alison is in the army... 372 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,320 And I'm not happy that Alison is in the army. 373 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:22,800 That she should get a proper job. 374 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,080 And I think she should get a proper job instead. 375 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,160 Gary, who is that on the phone with you? Who? 376 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,400 Tell me it's not that girl again. No, no, no, no. 377 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,080 At least let it be a prostitute or something. I couldn't help it. 378 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,400 She tol... Gear two. 379 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,520 It's not going in this, I don't know why you came yet. 380 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,920 No, no, that's not a gear, that's my knee. Oh, my God. 381 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,640 Helen, no. No, it's not... PHONE CLICKS 382 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,240 I think that went really well, to be honest. 383 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,040 I have to save my family. 384 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,760 I could be your family. 385 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,880 Hey, wait here. 386 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:58,360 Or over here. 387 00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:00,320 No, I'm joking, I make the rules, yeah. 388 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,120 DOOR OPENS, CLOSES 389 00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:03,960 Sorry, I'm late. Oh, hello. 390 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,440 So why am I here, then? 391 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,360 Well, I need to see my lawyer. 392 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,560 Oh. I'd love to have a lawyer. Yeah, same. They're sick. 393 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,040 What are you doing here? 394 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:15,120 Well, you know the list you gave me? 395 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,680 I've learnt to drive. Yay! 396 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,560 Right, you don't need to keep me updated with all your movements. 397 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,200 But you're her lawyer. Yeah. So... 398 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,360 What else would I do? Yeah. 399 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,520 You gave me a house the other day. Yeah, that's a big gesture. 400 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:32,120 I thought... No, it's in the will. One minute, you're giving her 401 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,320 a house, the next minute you don't want to see her, 402 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:35,680 it's mixed signals somewhere. 403 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,200 There's absolutely no reason for us to see each other again. 404 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,880 I guess I just update you every five to six things I check off. 405 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,280 Yeah, that makes sense. No, no, this isn't a thing. 406 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,520 Hmm, right. 407 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,720 OK. Well, I'll see you soon, then. No. 408 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,400 Yeah, see you in a bit, mate. 409 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,640 No, not you. 410 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,320 That's... But me? 411 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,680 No, neither of you, you don't need to come in again. 412 00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:58,480 Well, nice to see you. Lovely to see you. 413 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:01,040 Until next time. Well, no, there isn't... Why would you come? 414 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,640 No, there's no next time. After you, madame. After you. 415 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:04,760 Thank you. 416 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,160 BOTH: Take it off! Take it off! Take it... 417 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:10,840 Oh. 418 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,520 Tess Daly. Didn't think... 419 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,480 I really didn't think it was going to be her. No. 420 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,080 DOORBELL RINGS 421 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:18,640 Oh, Ron. 422 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,960 You all right? It's Gary. Right. 423 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,600 Uh, do you want to come in? Yeah. Can I come in? 424 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,160 Do you want a cup of tea? Ooh, yes, please. 425 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,960 It's just through here. 426 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:33,840 Oh. All right, Ron? 427 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,760 It's Gary. Nice. 428 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,520 My wife said she needed space away from me. 429 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,520 I'm too dreadful, apparently. You're joking. 430 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:45,560 That's so weird cos my auntie's been 431 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:47,960 saying stuff like that recently about me. 432 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,560 Mm, we're not well-liked. 433 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:52,640 I know, it's like the nightmares. 434 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,840 But you can always stay here just 435 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,120 until, you know, your wife lets you back. 436 00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:59,080 Oh. That's very kind of you. Yeah. 437 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,440 If, you know, drive me round everywhere in your car. 438 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:06,040 And I can also throw in my parents' clothes cos obviously they're... 439 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,320 ..they're dead so probably won't use them. Mm. 440 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,120 What...what sort of size are we talking about? 441 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,120 Well, my mum was kind of... 442 00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:16,680 No, I was thinking more like your dad. Yeah, course. Yeah. 443 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,960 Dave! Yeah? 444 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,280 Well, it's baby-making time. 445 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,080 Come on. What? 446 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:25,320 Really? 447 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:26,640 I'm just really knackered. 448 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:27,960 I mean, it's a... 449 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,000 I know, can you just fit me in another day? No. 450 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,360 No, I haven't got any days during the week, I'm flat-out. 451 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:36,200 I've told you. It's now or never again. Come on. 452 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,960 All right. 453 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,400 Oh, I'm sorry! 454 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,640 RINGTONE I just have to take this. 455 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,080 Hi, I'm in an appointment. 456 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:46,440 What do you want? 457 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:47,880 Oh, hey, it's just a quick one. 458 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,840 I just wondered where we put all of Dad's clothes 459 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,000 cos I'm going to donate them to my new flatmate. 460 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,240 What do you mean "flatmate"? 461 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,600 No, I've told you, Lucas is not moving in there 462 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:57,960 if you're referring to him. 463 00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,840 God, no, it's my driving instructor. 464 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:02,800 He lives with me now. It's a long story, but his wife kicked him out 465 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:05,040 because she thought was a paedophile and then... 466 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:08,440 Excuse me, did you just...did you just use the word "paedophile"? 467 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:11,200 Yeah, don't worry about that, that's just an accusation. 468 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,400 Well, OK, no! What is going on, Chi? 469 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,240 Who...who have you let in the house, OK? What... 470 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,040 I mean, what does he look like? 471 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,400 Well, he's bent over right now. Oh, my God. 472 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:23,520 OK, Chi get him out of the house now. 473 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,360 Love you, bye. Yeah, Ch... 474 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,880 Oh, my God. We need to go. 475 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,080 Put your pants back on. 476 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,720 Well, do we see if he's a paedophile after this? No, no. 477 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:34,760 Get your pants on, we're going. OK? 478 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,480 HE SIGHS 479 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:38,680 It tickles. 480 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,480 GIGGLING 481 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,840 OK, stop it! Gary, stop it! 482 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,440 You're not going to fit in there, Gary. 483 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,400 Hello. Oh, you come to join us, Karen? 484 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,920 It's, uh... What the fuck is going on here? 485 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,720 Oh, it's not what it seems. 486 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,400 You are a pervert and you need to get out this house right now. 487 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,200 Right now. I've got nowhere to go. 488 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,240 I don't care you've got nowhere to go. 489 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,000 You're not staying here in my house. Get him out, please. No, no, no. 490 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,960 Will you send me those photos? No, no. 491 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:10,720 No-one's sending anyone any pictures. Get him out, please, now. 492 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,560 I'm not a paedophile. Yeah, I know. 493 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:16,600 Karen, so Chi has taken in her homeless driving instructor. 494 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,440 Yeah, thanks, Lucas. 495 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,360 I know it looks a bit weird but... Yeah. We was playing Twister. 496 00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:24,160 It's all it was. Twister's a good game. 497 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,320 Yeah, it's a great game. 498 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,880 What are you doing now? It's my list. 499 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,000 What are you doing? Give me that, please. 500 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:32,840 Why have you ticked that off? 501 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,960 Why have you ticked off "learn how to drive"? 502 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:36,960 You did the opposite of learning how to drive. 503 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,560 You...you took a driving instructor out of his car 504 00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,520 and you put him here in my house. 505 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,360 And when...when have you "taken in a person in need" exactly? 506 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:48,680 That, it was Gary, but you just kicked him out. No, no. 507 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,360 He wasn't in need, was he? He was! 508 00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,560 The only thing he's in need of is a prison cell 509 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,960 cos you were the one that told me that was a paedophile. No! 510 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,960 Just so you know, he said he wasn't a paedophile. 511 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,360 Yeah, of course he said he wasn't a paedophile. 512 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,000 He doesn't even look like a paedophile. 513 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,400 But if he ever comes here again, 514 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,800 you do not open the door to him, do you understand me? 515 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,280 Well, you have to take the spare key off him, then, because... 516 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,280 What? Why has he got the spare key? 517 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,840 He was going to stay here for a while. His wife kicked him out. 518 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:14,600 You need to go and get the spare key off him right now. Right, OK. OK. 519 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,520 Let's go and get some paedo, come on. Right now. 520 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,800 Paedophile squad, here we go. 521 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,600 We've got hunches. Nee-naw! Nee-naw! 522 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,360 Why is there scribbling at the bottom? What does this mean? 523 00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,080 "Go to McDonald's, go up to the counter 524 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:27,920 "and ask where the nearest McDonalds is"? 525 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,600 I wrote that cos it's... Why have you written that on there? 526 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,360 It's just something I've always wanted to do. This is ridiculous. 527 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:36,280 You're adding stuff to your own list, are you? Yeah. 528 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:38,520 OK. Well, I'll add one. 529 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:43,440 Go to college, get a job and buy your own house. 530 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:47,240 Here. No, I don't need a pen. You can write it down. OK. 531 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:51,760 You do that and then I won't have to deal with any more of your... 532 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:53,480 How do you spell "college"? 533 00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,600 What is that? 534 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:01,520 Oh, I drew art as well. 535 00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:03,200 No, what...what is that? 536 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:04,720 That's us. I drew it. 537 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,280 You drew us on the wall. 538 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:10,080 Together, yeah. We're holding hands. 539 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,480 Fuck sake. 540 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:21,640 to the old town road 541 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,240 till I can't no more 542 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:28,720 to the old town road 543 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:32,400 till I can't no more 544 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,200 545 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,920 546 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:37,800 547 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:39,800 to match 548 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,720 549 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,280 550 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:44,880 551 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,720 now 552 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:50,520 553 00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:54,080 554 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:57,840 555 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,840